Epileptical

I tried this out, and none of what I did had the grace and simple charm of an elipse. Is that toast I smell burning?

really, really tiny treadmill

very difficult to use, so when you wipe out they have a padded bench for you to wipe out on

thing with fan

whatever it does, they seem to want the smell of you doing it wafting over the gym

Bikes to nowhere

way better than the "road to nowhere"... eat this David Byrne

Thing for crushing your adam's apple

Little round weights, too!

Treadmills

A metaphor for grueling boredom as far back as the Romantic era...

To sentence a man of true genius, to the drudgery of a school is to put a racehorse on a treadmill.
Samuel Taylor Coleridge

Primate with prehensile tail workout machine

The three red things are clearly handles. Since humans only have two hands, I conclude that this is for beings with a prehensile tail. Many of the people who work in my building are not quite fully evolved, so this makes perfect sense.

Your guess is as good as mine

I think you stand on the two little things and lay your head down on the little pillow... while... this is where my theory falls apart.

The balls in the background are not for playing catch. Even I know that.

The silver one is for pretending to talk to the Mothership so that the crazy neighbor leaves you alone because she thinks you have better connections than she does. Best used along with a tinfoil hat.

Balance and Squeeze

Useful for practicing for hot dates where long walks down railway tracks are expected.

Climb and Repel Practise Machine

Counterweight Arm Extension Machine